I am so over winter. So so very over it.
Before moving to Nashville, I lived in an area that got a fair amount of snow. I know how to drive in winter weather like a boss (or so I thought). So when I looked out the window yesterday morning and saw a healthy dusting of snow on the ground, I thought "Psssshhhhtt, I got this." and departed for work in my little Mazda3. The entire drive the radio is instructing people to "Stay off the roads if possible!" and the driving conditions are "icy and extremely unsafe!" I scoffed at the morons I saw in ditches and kept up my slow and steady pace. I made it past the scary tractor trailers and navigated the icy ramps between the main highways with ease.
As I approached my exit, I knew it was a big curve so I slowed down to a crawl and started the turn. I was congratulating myself on the fact that I was going to get to work on time, despite the shitty conditions, because I am SUCH a better driver than all those losers in ditches, when it happened...
I will now illustrate my adventure for your viewing pleasure: (I was so dedicated to this post that yes, I Google Mapped this shit. Now just picture all the green as brown dead grass covered in a sprinkling of stupid ice and snow.)
#1 > Oh, sweet! I'm totally going to get to work on time! Tra la la la la ...
#2 > ICE MONSTER ATTACK! In the slowest car accident ever, I felt my car lose all traction and knew there was no recovering. I tried to turn into the spin but to no avail, so I just waited for the slow-mo shit show to end while screaming a few choice words of frustration.
#3 > Mud. So. Much. Mud. My wheels just spun and I knew I was screwed. I called 911 and the operator was like, "Well, I'll put you on the list for a tow truck, but due to the amount of accidents this morning, it will probably be a couple hours." GREAT. MOTHER FUCKING GREAT. I'll just sit here in my car, wait for a tow truck to come extract me from this mud pit, and fume because I am literally a 5 minute walk away from work.
#4 > My two favorite cops in the world arrive to save the day! Looking very grumpy about it, they begrudgingly helped me steer/slide my car around until I was facing the other ramp. Then they gave me a few good pushes and I was back on solid ground! Just in time to see another car slide off the ramp directly into the mud pit we had just evacuated. Thank whatever god(s) you believe in that we managed to move my car when we did, otherwise things would have escalated to serious shit show status real quick.
#5 > After thanking them profusely, I went on my merry way. I arrived at work only 10 minutes late and a very happy camper.
Thank goodness my little vehicular adventure ended in nobody and nothing being hurt. It could have ended much worse than it did. I ate my humble pie and won't be so cocky about my winter driving skills the next time it snows... which hopefully won't be until next winter. I AM SO OVER THIS WHOLE STUPID SEASON.